That being said, I saw a slideshow sometime last week of
these truly novel bras that I think are worth discussing.
Let's start with some basic assumptions. 1st, I assume more than the woman wearing the bra will see it. My guess is these bras are as much if not more for the pleasure of the wearer's significant other than for the pleasure of the wearer. 2nd, these were all labeled as bras, so unlike bikini tops I'm going to assume at some point the wearer is planning on putting some sort of blouse or top over these bras. 3rd, as bras, I assume that while these are meant to be eye-catching & visually appealing, their primary function remains to hold up the wearer's boobs. All that being said, let's start with the simplest of these novelty bras:
This is going to sound like a joke (honestly it is 1), but I
like this bra. It's funny & original, yet I can still see myself wearing it
comfortably under just about any basic top & having my boobs satisfactorily
supported. Thumbs up for this bra.
Next up, the classic Nintendo remote controller bra. Nerdy,
potentially kinky with the right couple (notice the placement of the control
pad), yet still maintains basic functionality. I could wear this under any top
(as long as it's not semi-transparent—awkward) & it would hold my boobs up.
A potential video game-loving boyfriend would likely approve.
Continuing with the video game theme, this bra draws on a
trope item & character from the Mario Bros. games. On the left, a red
mushroom, which usually restores health (or height) to the protagonist (i.e.
Mario, Luigi etc.). On the right, Goomba, a little villainous nuisance most
players defeat with ease, using a weapon, jumping on his head, etc. Now here's
my issue with this bra—1 boob is cast as good, 1 boob is cast as bad. That's
weird right? I mean Goomba has teeth...makes me think that boob's off-limits.
Mushroom boob though, go for it potential boyfriend. It's bound to give you
health & make you grow. Seriously, let's think about this. Plus both your
boobs now have eyes. Creepy. Props for continued functionality though; this too
is a bra I could wear under most tops & that would hold up my boobs. I just
don't see the sex appeal of it.
So this could totally work for folks with out of this world
fantasies...or who think of boobs & those with them as a toy. No judgment
(well maybe a little) but my main beef with this bra is that it looks better
suited as part of a grown-up Halloween costume. I mean I'd honestly never wear
this under my regular clothes without feeling weird. It's like a Superman
costume—I'd be half-tempted all day to rip my shirt open & try to fly.
Still, I suppose if you didn't have such temptations, it might work. The
skin tone straps, the boob support...I guess I could wear it. I'm just pretty
sure I'd not want to wear anything over it. Making it awkward for everyday
wear.
Okay, see I love art. & I love this painting. But Starry
Night on my boobs? No thanks. For 1 thing, it seems like a waste of the
painting. There, I said it. My boobs are not worthy of Van Gogh's masterpiece.
I don't think any boobs are worthy. It you want a painting on your boobs, invest
in some body paints. Give in fully to your kinkiness. But don't drag the greats
into your mess. Could this bra theoretically hold my boobs up? Sure. Would I
really want to wear it under a T-shirt? No. As previously stated, I'd feel
weird. & therefore uncomfortable. Sorry boss, I need to go home early. My
bra is causing Van Gogh to turn repeatedly in his grave. Thanks for
understanding.
& this is the point in the slideshow where physical
comfort comes into play. Tell me honestly those yellow ruffles look
comfortable. Go on. Anybody? Yeah, I don't think so. If I wore this bra to work
I just know I'd end up locked in a bathroom stall with a pair of scissors,
topless & cutting those ungodly ruffles off. That minor detail aside, let's
take a moment to discuss the imagery of this bra. Now I like superheroes as
much as the next person, & I can see a couple bonding over their love of
Marvel's finest. But the strategically placed hand reaching out on the left?
(Possibly Thor's?) Um, creepy. I don't think any potential boyfriend of mine
would want to mess with that. & on the right you've got Captain America
& Spiderman among others glaring at you. Or rather, glaring at your
significant other as he or she tries to get some action. Buzzkill much? You
mess with these boobs, & the Avengers are going to kick your ass. Oh yeah,
total turn-on. Your boobs are more than supported—they're super supported.
I'm going to tell it to you straight—this bra scares me.
Let's go back to the 3 assumptions I made at the beginning of this post, shall
we? Number 1, more than the wearer will see this bra. I'd say there's no way to
avoid that—wear this & everyone within a mile radius will see it. Question
is, will your partner really find this to be a turn-on? Now I'll admit, my
boobs are relatively large, but I don't think a potential boyfriend would be
able to find them under this...wonderland. Honestly, I love the book & the
movies, but I do not think this is what Lewis Carroll had in mind. Number 2, at
some point the wearer is planning on wearing other clothes over this bra. Give
me a minute. I may have just punctured a lung from laughing. You could wear a
parka over this bra & I still don't think it would adequately cover it up.
Either the Mad Hatter's hat would slip out between the buttons or the Cheshire
Cat would poke out over the fringe. (How creepy is he by the way? Cat lover or
hater, I don't think anyone wants Chesh staring at her chest.) Number 3, this
bra's primary function is to provide boob support. Right, if you can even
manage to get this thing on, & not have an allergic reaction to any of the
about 20 materials in use, & not rip it off after 2 seconds of the red
& white whatever that is scratching against your skin, do you honestly
think your boobs will be adequately supported? I don't. At all. Which is why
you could not pay me enough to try that thing on, let alone wear it. In the
case of this bra, curiouser & curiouser is such an understatement. More
like crazier & crazier.
To wrap this all up, I'm all for creativity. I'm a creative
person by trade, & I applaud the ingenuity of the designers of these bras.
That being said, there are some things I just don't mess with & bras are 1
of those things. Give me a nice & simple functional bra any day. Sufficient
boob support, something I can wear comfortably under any top & not have to
think about or mess with for the rest of the day—that's what I want. Fashion
& creativity be damned.
~AC
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