So, I've got a problem. Well, it's not Me with the problem, I don't think, and that's where you fit in. See, I met this amazing guy, we'll call him by his initials, JD. We've been going out about three months & I've never been so happy. He treats me like a princess, knows when to push me, & when to just hold me an' tell me it'll be okay. We share similar interests, and all round just get along dandy. So here's the thing: according to 'some' (namely one) person, I've changed. It bothered me for a long time, I never wanted to be one of Those girls, who changed herself for a guy, & here I was. & then upon further investigation, I realized, it wasn't necessarily me changing--it was me finding myself again. The first few months in MN have been a transition, & now I'm finally getting comfortable being myself, which, apparently isn't someone 'sources' like. I'm at a loss--how should i proceed? Do I fake a mask around those people, ignore them completely? I mean, who can I be if I'm not me?
Dear Identity Crisis,
Can I call you that? You didn't give me a name, but from what you're describing it certainly sounds like you're having an identity crisis. 1st of all, it's important to remember that as human beings we are constantly evolving. It's part of our prime directive, programmed into our DNA to change, to grow, to evolve. So when 'some' person said you'd changed, he was probably right. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
What matters is, have you changed at your core? You see as much as we evolve, there are always a few traits that mostly remain constant—key character traits, if you will. These traits can include values, like honesty or loyalty. They can include history, like a strong aversion to gum due to a near-choking incident during childhood (speaking from experience here) or traditionalism when it comes to always watching the Macy's Parade on Thanksgiving. They can also include connections, to our parents and our mentors who guide us. There are things that make us who we are, & it's when these things change that self-evaluation may be in order.
When the big things change, like the things we value or the history that defines us or the people we trust, we become a different version of ourselves. Let me be clear here—you are still you, no matter what's changed. That's life, & your identity is 1 of the few things in this world no 1 can take away from you. That being said, if you have changed, ask yourself, what feels different? Is your mood generally better or worse? Are you closer to your goals or farther from them? Do you like or dislike yourself? Don't worry for a moment about how others percieve you—how do you percieve yourself? If you're happier, self-fullfilled, & like who you are, then change is good. Embrace it. & if others don't, then they're the 1s with the problem, not you. If however you're unhappy, unfullfilled, & dislike yourself, take a step back. Go over what's important to you—values, history, & connections—& try to figure out where you took a wrong turn. Remember, we are always changing, & it's never too late to recalculate & figure things out.
Back to your initial question (before I got all long-winded & deep), I admire that you don't want to change for a man. Keep in mind though that if you're changing for yourself, it's a whole different story. If you're feeling good about who you are, there's absolutely no reason for you to "fake it" around others. You are who you are. Embrace it. & if you're feeling lost, not sure of who you are, then take a step back & think about it. Figure out what you value most. Remember your history. & seek advice from those you trust.
No man (or woman) is an island. But we're also not clay, waiting to be molded by someone else. Our identity is a composite of how we percieve ourselves, how we percieve others percieve us, & how others percieve us. In that order.
Hope this rather long & tangential response helps.
Best,
~AC
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